Sometimes you just want to lie down on the cool grass with your bowl full of stones and watch the sun setting after a big day…..and that's not just Ruby I'm talking about…although perhaps replace the stones with a glass of wine or nice cup of tea!!
Being a parent is a tough job…and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It's also rewarding and emotional and there is much unconditional love and sticky kisses….but it is hard work and for me , always there is guilt. I've found myself wondering at times over the past year whether we were mad to become parents (for me a second time) at nearly 40. Sometimes i feel 60 and wonder if i will ever have the energy that these gorgeous twins of ours require….
To be very honest with you (and i know i can)…i realise the experience (both times) of post natal depression is something that still lingers and i fear and fight it still a little every day. I question whether i am strong enough to raise twins, to see my teen leave home in a few years and to get back the relationship i had with my partner pre twin days. I wonder whether i will ever feel like an adult again rather than just Mum…and then i feel guilty because i know it is the most special position to hold. But i wonder….
I wonder if i will continue to be strong enough to support the entire family as we embark on early intervention and numerous appointments to help Ruby's developmental and language delays…..i wonder does her twin understand when Ruby receives extra attention as i try to encourage language and social skills and what will happen if they can't begin school together at the same time?
I sometimes wonder that my brain no longer seems to function as well since leaving full time work and becoming a stay at home Mum…..which i know is a privilege…but sometimes it doesn't feel like it…i sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a lunch time and toilet breaks on my own again…to dress in work clothes and spend time on my hair….but then i paint with my girls in the sunshine with the kookaburras flying overhead and i wonder what i would be missing out on every day.
Sometimes, i guess i just wonder where ‘ME' has gone…..that's the thing as a parent…you are always morphing into what you are needed to be and it can be easy to lose a little part of your authentic self each time i think…but there are gains too i know…….those smiles, giggles, hugs and chats……
I wonder always if i am doing enough baking, sewing, activities with the twins, connecting with Miss Teen, loving and appreciating of my partner…..so much wondering and yet most days are good….but that fear and darkness can creep in when you least expect it…and then there are tears.
I wonder whether we will ever be able to have family holidays and weekends away again without it being a major production now that we have the twins to consider…..i know once we get through the toddler stage these things will be easier….but by then we may no longer have Miss Teen at home with us.
I wonder whether the joy of finally having sisters outweighs not having my undivided attention anymore……
Being a mother means so many things to me and i am my own worst critic i know…..being a perfectionist is a high risk trait for post natal depression for a good reason! I work every day to cut myself some slack, to allow myself just to be….but yet i am still often wondering…..
I think i have reached the conclusion that i'm doing my best and although not always happy….the good times outweigh the darker moments still thank goodness. I would like to laugh more and snap less though….think about the wonderful moments and gifts in the present i am living rather than dwelling on the past life pre twins…and the extra time that held! Sometimes it is hard to let go of those thoughts though isn't it?
So i'm not perfect…no parent should need to be…we just need to keep loving and trying and remembering to live and be present in the moments…good and bad!
I guess it has been a bit of a tough few months emotionally and physically…..and it has apparently caught up with me this weekend…this was meant to be a post about one of the activities i did with the toddler twosome on the weekend not a self reflection!!!
I do feel so thankful though to have this space to let some thoughts out…it has reminded me why i wanted to blog in the first place and i thank you for taking the time to read my words. I feel stronger now and ready to face tomorrow with a smile.
Do you ever wonder though?
Kirsty @ Bowerbird Blue says
You look like you’re doing an ace job, twins would make anyone tired, and you seem to keep them so busy with things to do. One toddler is quite exhausting on their own. I think we all wonder at times. A bit of reflection is good.
The joy of a private trip to the toilet, the things we took for granted pre kids! I’m just coming out of nearly 10 years of having a little kid around, just getting the 4 year old kinder forms together. It does get easier. It makes me sad to think that this will be the last, and those crazy baby days are over, but there’s also a strong sense of relief.
Thanks Kirsty…it’s nice to know i’m not alone in this gig…and i know it does get better, i loved when miss Teen hit 4 and yet now she is 16 in a few weeks…time flies so fast so i don’t want to wish away a moment…just want to go to the tooilet again by self lol!!
I know exactly what you mean in your last sentance! Thanks so much for your lovely comment x
Oh wow, it’s like you picked the thoughts right out of my brain! I often wonder the same thing…and feel guilty about the same things, as well.
We’re both only human and we’re entitled to feel the way we feel. It’s so hard to juggle everything and not get so caught up that you lose yourself completely.
Hi there. I think it’s obvious from those photos that your girls are happy and that you are an amazing mum. I’ve got twin toddler girls as well and all I can say is…I FEEL YOUR PAIN! I have had days where I have been so resentful about the twin thing, but it only takes a moment before I realise how lucky I am. Good thing they’re cute, I always tell them.
Good luck xxx
PS Love that photo of them painting, one standing in the bucket.
Posie Patchwork says
Well hello from another mumma of a teen & twins (well the twins are 10) plus a boy at the end, he’s 8. What a sweet life you have in a beautiful part of the world. I live in Canberra with the children while my husband lives in Brisbane (or overseas) for work so we drive up & down through the ‘hood frequently. Lovely to have found you, love Posie
Ngo Family Farm says
Oh goodness, Jode, you have expressed so well what I think every mother goes through! Being a mom is hands down the hardest thing I’ve ever done – emotionally and physically. So much is constantly changing! Some days I feel I have nothing left to give – it seems moms are always giving so much of themselves to everyone else, and that’s rewarding and exhausting at the same time. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts, and I hope you give yourself lots of credit for being such a generous and thoughtful mama 🙂
andie jaye says
it can be hard and sometimes isolating to be a sahm. God has given you this place in your life for a reason. take time for yourself, even if it’s just 5 minutes in the morning or night to write down one thing that you like about yourself or are proud of that you did that day. just these few minutes of focusing on yourself might help. just remember that you have a strong support system in the KBN…and in me 🙂