Sometimes you just want to lie down on the cool grass with your bowl full of stones and watch the sun setting after a big day…..and that's not just Ruby I'm talking about…although perhaps replace the stones with a glass of wine or nice cup of tea!!
Being a parent is a tough job…and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It's also rewarding and emotional and there is much unconditional love and sticky kisses….but it is hard work and for me , always there is guilt. I've found myself wondering at times over the past year whether we were mad to become parents (for me a second time) at nearly 40. Sometimes i feel 60 and wonder if i will ever have the energy that these gorgeous twins of ours require….
To be very honest with you (and i know i can)…i realise the experience (both times) of post natal depression is something that still lingers and i fear and fight it still a little every day. I question whether i am strong enough to raise twins, to see my teen leave home in a few years and to get back the relationship i had with my partner pre twin days. I wonder whether i will ever feel like an adult again rather than just Mum…and then i feel guilty because i know it is the most special position to hold. But i wonder….
I wonder if i will continue to be strong enough to support the entire family as we embark on early intervention and numerous appointments to help Ruby's developmental and language delays…..i wonder does her twin understand when Ruby receives extra attention as i try to encourage language and social skills and what will happen if they can't begin school together at the same time?
I sometimes wonder that my brain no longer seems to function as well since leaving full time work and becoming a stay at home Mum…..which i know is a privilege…but sometimes it doesn't feel like it…i sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a lunch time and toilet breaks on my own again…to dress in work clothes and spend time on my hair….but then i paint with my girls in the sunshine with the kookaburras flying overhead and i wonder what i would be missing out on every day.
Sometimes, i guess i just wonder where ‘ME' has gone…..that's the thing as a parent…you are always morphing into what you are needed to be and it can be easy to lose a little part of your authentic self each time i think…but there are gains too i know…….those smiles, giggles, hugs and chats……
I wonder always if i am doing enough baking, sewing, activities with the twins, connecting with Miss Teen, loving and appreciating of my partner…..so much wondering and yet most days are good….but that fear and darkness can creep in when you least expect it…and then there are tears.
I wonder whether we will ever be able to have family holidays and weekends away again without it being a major production now that we have the twins to consider…..i know once we get through the toddler stage these things will be easier….but by then we may no longer have Miss Teen at home with us.
I wonder whether the joy of finally having sisters outweighs not having my undivided attention anymore……
Being a mother means so many things to me and i am my own worst critic i know…..being a perfectionist is a high risk trait for post natal depression for a good reason! I work every day to cut myself some slack, to allow myself just to be….but yet i am still often wondering…..
I think i have reached the conclusion that i'm doing my best and although not always happy….the good times outweigh the darker moments still thank goodness. I would like to laugh more and snap less though….think about the wonderful moments and gifts in the present i am living rather than dwelling on the past life pre twins…and the extra time that held! Sometimes it is hard to let go of those thoughts though isn't it?
So i'm not perfect…no parent should need to be…we just need to keep loving and trying and remembering to live and be present in the moments…good and bad!
I guess it has been a bit of a tough few months emotionally and physically…..and it has apparently caught up with me this weekend…this was meant to be a post about one of the activities i did with the toddler twosome on the weekend not a self reflection!!!
I do feel so thankful though to have this space to let some thoughts out…it has reminded me why i wanted to blog in the first place and i thank you for taking the time to read my words. I feel stronger now and ready to face tomorrow with a smile.
Do you ever wonder though?