I have been starting to realise something a little alarming lately….it is happening more and more and i feel like the most awful parent.
I have begun to compare Ruby and Tara without realising it….the realisation actually hit me yesterday when i was having a shocker of a day with Ruby and i felt like yelling “Why can't you be more like your sister?” I caught myself in time but i had thought the thought already. I went into the kitchen and let slip a few tears. It's not her fault she can't ‘behave' the way her sister does.
When you have twins i soon learnt that people will begin the comparisons between them right from the first day. And that is to be expected obviously. I really have tried hard though to foster and nurture their own individual personalities and strengths while also working with their more ‘challenging' behaviours. Both express themselves in very different ways and they also look very different. They have different likes and dislikes and prefer certain activities and toys over others (doesn't however stop them fighting about a particular toy unfortunately!)
I think everyone who has multiples must recognise the similarities and differences in their twins or triplets but when one twin also has developmental delays and behaviours requiring early intervention i think it starts to get a little more complex.
I've tried so hard not to continually compare Ruby to Tara's developmental milestones…I've been telling myself that she is just a few months behind or her eating habits and appetite will catch up or her meltdowns are normal 2 yr old behaviour and not part of her sensory disorder even though i know better. I tell myself that one day i will be able to have her sit still at a table long enough to eat something rather than having to strap her into a high chair or we will be able to go to places like the beach or where crowds are without her becoming frightened and overloaded and having to take the whole family home early.
I imagine her being able to sit like her sister and really lose herself in imaginary play without needing constant stimulation and connection with me in order to continue that play. I wonder if she will ever be able to sit and focus on a painting or craft activity without having to get up and move around or bounce on her trampoline or run before she can come back to the activity and focus. I imagine her walking beside me holding my hand in the shops like Tara does…but it never happens…she is faster than any toddler i know and therefore we endure trolley or pram tantrums and i feel guilty when i see Tara's disappointed face yet again…”Why can't i walk Mummy…i hold hand?”
I try not to wonder and not to compare…but i am. And then i begin to wonder if i am holding Tara back by overcompensating for Ruby's needs. So many activities get cut short due to a meltdown from Ruby or her running off….so many meals have to be made to entice Ruby to eat or try something new, so many family outings are organised with Ruby's needs in mind. We are yet to try a family holiday…i worry about how a new environment and routine will affect her and if we will be able to enjoy ourselves.
This year we begin early intervention classes for Ruby and it is the first time the girls will be split up…again i feel so much guilt…if only i could there for both of them at once. How do i ensure one is being challenged and developing the skills and knowledge she craves when i also have to the same but on a different level for the other?
My rational self knows that feeling this way is probably normal…having twins was always going to be new territory as a parent…but i hadn't counted on them being at such different stages yet both needing so much from me. My emotional self is not holding up as well though.
I don't wish for them to be the same…..I don't wish for them to be perfect…….I don't love either less than the other……but i wish i wasn't slipping into these thoughts of comparison and frustration at what the future holds. I wish i wasn't seeing that Ruby isn't going to be ‘cured' or her sensory processing challenges ‘fixed'. I wish i knew how to be the parent i need to be to meet this challenge, accept the differences and not feel constantly torn.
In my darker moments i wish Ruby wasn't different but then i wonder if she would be the beautiful little soul that she is today without the differences. In my darker moments i wonder if Tara is already growing up resentful of the extra time spent with her sister and the challenges she is missing out on because her sister is not yet ready and there is only one of me.
In my happier moments i am able to see the progress we have made and the beauty of the differences in these two wonderful girls of ours. I am able to recognise that comparison is inevitable and as a parent i can only do my best.
Warm Wishes…
You poor thing. Hang in there.
I would like to share with you my observations based on a dear friend I grew up with who has a special needs child (in a special needs school) who is about to start high school and his younger brother (3 years difference). So much of the family time is spent around the special needs child (what he can and cannot do) and to an extent the whole family has missed out on things (like the younger son longs for more physical things that his brother is just not up to). BUT the younger brother is kind and understanding. He shows so much empathy and is older than his years in caring and understanding (not responsibility). Unlike most kids his age would be by a disabled child, he is not embarrassed by his disabled brother (well most of the time the nudie runs just about break him ) and many of his friends have also been exposed to a child with special needs and realise that he is just a different sort of normal.
So do not beat yourself up, the comparisons you are making are normal (even if Ruby was your only little child you would be comparing her with Miss Teen or other children you know). And you might find that if you allow Tara so of the freedom she wants, Tara will follow as they hate being left out. This is what happened with my friend. her oldest hated being left by his little brother (3 years difference) and this prompted him to walk, something no amount of physio or encourage from his parents could. Just trust your instincts and your actions. You love your kids and are doing your best for them. That is the most important thing, not the things we think or feel, but even those show our kids we are human.
Katrina…thanks so much for sharing that story…it really gave me a new perspective and you are right…i need to trust my instincts and actions more. Again thank you for taking the time to leave such a helpful comment x
First of all, you are right – that all twin moms make comparisons. It is impossible not to! No, I don’t say it out loud, but for the longest time I would compare their development. Often the reality was that one was ahead of schedule, and I would be thinking their twin was behind. But I was often wrong. The twin was often right on schedule or even ahead too, but the one who did something first was always my comparison. It caused a lot of unnecessary concern.
I have not had to deal with sensory processing disorders, but I think with 1 if not 2 of my kids are right on the cusp of it. They are definitely way more sensitive than the average child. And one of them was a runner too. I still worry about her running but I can also say that every year it gets better. We attempted our first family vacation when they were 2 1/2. It was tough but we managed through. My point is, I know what you are going through is so hard now, but clearly you are working with your daughter and I know that as she gets older she will outgrow many of those things. She may always be sensitive, but it will probably be in more subtle ways, you know? Also, I am certain that some of those sensitivities and other challenges she faces will turn into great qualities later in life. For example, sensitive children can make very compassionate and empathetic adults. And very particular – which can serve them well in many areas.
Not trying to sound like the expert on what you are dealing with because I certainly wouldn’t know, but just based on my small experiences and the experiences of some of my friends and their children, I hope my words can at least give you some encouragement. Hang in there! It WILL get better. And I am sure you will find her strengths in other areas that will not compare to her sister. But I think when they are young all we see sometimes is development and general behavior (ie, do they make things easier or harder for mom?
I’m so glad to hear you say that about the twin comparison thing…i guess it is human nature really!Ruby does indeed have some strengths that her sister doesn’t so i think i need to remember this a little more. Thanks so much for your words…they really have meant a lot to me (and my sanity!)xx
no experience to share here, just a heartful plea to be kind to yourself. You seem like a wonderful mother and the fact this is causing such heartache shows that. Bigs hugs to you, this certainly sounds tough
Thanks so much for your lovely words Racheal x
Jodie,
I’m not a mom of twins. But a mom of 3 and proud homemaker.. My sister’s youngest has sensory problems and goes to occupational and speech therapy. I understand your frustration and concerns. Please know that your doing a great job with your little ones. Half the battle is acknowledging your feeling/frustrations and working through them. You my dear friend are ahead of the game. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and daily journey this reminds me its o.k. to feel what I feel and to take a moment to work through it. Your doing a great job and simply embrace the quirky difference and continue to adjust as changes occur. Because they will occur as they continue to grow. I know I have to plan my day or shopping/groceries around my youngest and pre-melt time,(Big smile). He’s almost 3.
I’m so glad you left this comment…i often wonder whether i am being to honest in these parenting type posts sometimes…but the reason i do them is so that others might feel a connection and ‘normal’ too. It’s also my way of working through these things…you are right…half the battle is acknowledging these feelings…thank you so much for helping me to see that xx
Oh, that mommy guilt! It’s horrible! I don’t have nearly the challenges you do, but I know that feeling, too, Jode. You are the mom your kids were meant to have – I hope you really believe that – it’s so apparent when I read these posts of yours! And just a thought about Tara and your fear of holding her back…I think she may actually be learning very valuable lessons in patience and compassion, in a way that most her age aren’t open to yet. So, in the long run, I don’t think she will be resentful, but understanding instead.
-Jaime
Yep, Mummy guilt is the worst! I think you are right Jaime…i think Tara is actually learning some wonderful lessons that will stand her in good stead later in life. Thanks for helping me see that perspective and for your warm words as always xx
Hi Jode,
I’m a new reader and about 4 months pregnant with twins. Your insights, ideas, and creativity inspire me. I think that thoughts like those you’ve described are human and natural. Any good therapist would tell you that being aware of them is more than half the journey. The rest is taking a deep breath and letting those thoughts slip right on through without trying to hold on to them and shake them away. You are an amazing mom and I admire and respect you. I know you are human too. Take care of yourself mentally and physically so you can be the best mom you can be for your precious children. And yes, I’ve already started comparing my babies . . during an ultrasound at 9 weeks ;-p Baby A was more wriggly than Baby B. Yep, it starts early. But I’m so glad to know I’m not alone!
Thank you for sharing your journey!!
Congrats Kimberly…what an amazing journey you have ahead of you…i do hope i haven;t turned you off twins in any way…they truly are a blessing!What a beautiful comment…you truly made my day and reminded me i have some lovely people reading what i am writing…it’s so nice to know you find my space here inspiring!
I am indeed human and i think i need to remember that a little more!You also reminded me that the comparison did start way back at ultrasound lol…best of luck on your journey…thanks so much for reading and also taking the time to comment xx
wow…i’ve got tears after reading that. thank you so much for your honesty and candor. hugs
Thanks so much Andie…xx
Beautifully written and powerful post, Jode. As you know, I’ve done the comparison thing too with my kids and felt tremendously guilty about it but it has led us to get help for The Bee and you know what? We are seeing positive changes already after only a few months of therapy. My 8 year old with SPD has changed tremendously too. He still has sensory challenges and we often need to modify things for him but so different from when he was 2. Much more self-modification, as in he can recognize things and help himself.
I know what you mean about having to modify things for one child but the other has to go along with it even though they don’t need the modification. We do a lot of that around here too. I don’t know the answer to that one but I do hope that all 3 of my kids will grow up seeing my husband and I doing our best to give each one what they need to the best of our ability and loving them with all of our hearts.
Hugs to you.
Thanks for reading Julie…how wonderful that you are seeing some positive changes already!I’m really interested to see what starting our early intervention group will do for Ruby this year.
I think the modification will be an evolving process and hopefully it will foster independance and a real sense of empathy…she already shows this toward her sister and it is just beautiful to watch!
You are right…all we can do is love and do our best xx
I only have one child and he is a handful! You have twice as much in your hands and on your heart so I can only imagine the extra stress and guilt. My son does not have half the sensory issues your sweet Ruby has but the food issues alone is enough to make me crazy. It’s easy to get frustrated, sad, and worried constantly stressed about what they are or are not eating. Add in other issues and every day is exhausting. Be assured that though we all try not to we are all comparing our kids to those of our friends, family, co-workers and even random children we see in public. Being aware of it and minding that inner voice is a step in the right direction. And don’t worry about your girls being split up during Ruby’s therapy, it’s good for both of them to have some separation it would happen eventually in school might as well get used to it now. This will give them both time to adjust to that new idea and experience. Stay strong and know that your are not alone!
Thankyou so much for taking the time to reply…such wise words and what you had to say really did ease my mind! I too think it might be good for them to be split alittle..we all need a little individual attention so i will just try to make the time to provide that for Tara too.
I really do feel in such good company reading all these beautiful caring comments…feeling so blessed to have your company and thoughts on this journey xx
It sounds like you know to forgive yourself for those thoughts, so you’re on your way. As much as you can accept these thoughts as simply that and let them pass. If you’re not acting on them your girls cannot be harmed. I have cared for young toddlers in groups for many years and from my own experience children show me they know, accept and make accommodations for other children’s individual needs. Tara will likely grow to be quite a compassionate human being. Sounds like you need some time for yourself to reflect and forgive and nurture yourself. Both my granddaughters have had Ealy Intervention experiences and have responded to therapy quite well. I wish the same for your family.
You are so right…and deep down i know this from my own work with toddlers in years gone by…i guess sometimes we need reminding of the important things and the realities of the strength of children’s characters rather than always worrying about what ‘might’ happen!
Thankyou so much for your kind and wise words…i needed to hear them xx
Jode you are a wonderful mother with much to going on, twins on their own are a lot of work. It is hard not to compare, I know that I too sometimes have those thoughts and I don’t mean to be negative but when times get you down it is easy to wish for a smoother time. Don’t be hard on yourself you really are an inspiration to your girls and all of us with all of the time and effort you go to help both of your girls grown and learn. Hugs. xxx