Sometimes when I find myself making lunches and sweeping the kitchen floor at midnight I stop for a moment and wonder if this is all there is. If one day I will find the time to do great things or perhaps find my way as my own person again rather than just a mum and general housekeeper.
I'm not sad to be making those lunches at midnight, I just wish sometimes that there was a little bit more. A little bit just for me. And then I feel guilty and selfish. A mother's mantra it seems.
Sometimes when I have finished a day of work looking after everyone else's active but lovely kids as well as my own I wish I could clock off and have a few moments to wind down.
Just a little you understand before the next shift starts. But that moment never happens. There is dinner to prepare, washing to fold and kids to feed and bathe. I don't clock off of course, I'm a Mum. But sometimes I want to, I really want to….and then I feel guilty.
Sometimes when the rest of the family arrive home after I have finished work, prepared dinner and looked after everything else that occurs at that fraught time of night I get resentful, and sad and then guilty. But sometimes, just sometimes I want to be the one who comes home from work and has dinner waiting for me, see the kids fed and clean and have nothing to do but sit down and relax. Is that wrong? It feels wrong.
Sometimes when I'm sitting up until the early hours of the morning writing blogs or editing photos, I tell myself that there are people out there who like reading what I write or find it somehow useful and the 4 hours sleep before a working day is not silly, it's perfectly justified even though I don't get paid. I never really believe any of that, but I still keep writing because it is something all of my own, a world I can escape to, a world I can just be me.
Sometimes when I look in the mirror I wonder who that middle aged, frumpy woman staring back at me is and why she looks so tired. I wonder what happened to some of her dreams and ideals…and I wonder what she is yet to achieve given the chance.
Sometimes I just want to scream that I am not the only one who can multitask or make decisions or do housework. Sometimes I want them to understand that there is only one of me and I am struggling to do it all, but then I feel guilty for not appreciating what I have and what some don't. But I still feel tears rolling down my cheeks as I write my to do list some nights and feel overwhelmed.
Sometimes in my saner moments I realise that parenting is a tough job and I am doing my best and the tough moments will pass. But in my tired and emotional moments I just want a break from it all, I want to find me again, I want to go to the toilet by myself or not class a weekly grocery trip as my day out. I want to see the stars at night as I travel to somewhere special, not as I make a dash to pick up milk and bread before the corner shop shuts.
I guess we all want to feel special and useful sometimes. Finding out how to make that happen is the tricky part of life though isn't it?
Sometimes I realise that turning 41 this weekend may be making me a little emotional and clouding my judgement somewhat! I should be embracing all that I have and the wonderful little family that I know loves me even if they don't always show it. But still I have a yearning to feel appreciated, to achieve more, to BE more…and then I feel guilty of course.
A new chapter in my life is about to begin and I am trying so hard to be excited about that, truly I am….but right now as the house is quiet for the first time today as they all sleep, all I can think about is the lunches that need to be made, the dishes that need to be done and the floor that needs to be swept…go figure huh!
I know I”m not alone on the parenting journey but thank you for letting me indulge in getting some of these thoughts out tonight and for being able to talk to someone other than myself at midnight! I do so appreciate you reading my ramblings!
Do you ever feel guilty when parenting?
Have a lovely weekend all…..I'm going to try and celebrate and appreciate all that I have achieved so far…..and then go have a wine or two 😉