Sometimes when I find myself making lunches and sweeping the kitchen floor at midnight I stop for a moment and wonder if this is all there is. If one day I will find the time to do great things or perhaps find my way as my own person again rather than just a mum and general housekeeper.
I'm not sad to be making those lunches at midnight, I just wish sometimes that there was a little bit more. A little bit just for me. And then I feel guilty and selfish. A mother's mantra it seems.
Sometimes when I have finished a day of work looking after everyone else's active but lovely kids as well as my own I wish I could clock off and have a few moments to wind down.
Just a little you understand before the next shift starts. But that moment never happens. There is dinner to prepare, washing to fold and kids to feed and bathe. I don't clock off of course, I'm a Mum. But sometimes I want to, I really want to….and then I feel guilty.
Sometimes when the rest of the family arrive home after I have finished work, prepared dinner and looked after everything else that occurs at that fraught time of night I get resentful, and sad and then guilty. But sometimes, just sometimes I want to be the one who comes home from work and has dinner waiting for me, see the kids fed and clean and have nothing to do but sit down and relax. Is that wrong? It feels wrong.
Sometimes when I'm sitting up until the early hours of the morning writing blogs or editing photos, I tell myself that there are people out there who like reading what I write or find it somehow useful and the 4 hours sleep before a working day is not silly, it's perfectly justified even though I don't get paid. I never really believe any of that, but I still keep writing because it is something all of my own, a world I can escape to, a world I can just be me.
Sometimes when I look in the mirror I wonder who that middle aged, frumpy woman staring back at me is and why she looks so tired. I wonder what happened to some of her dreams and ideals…and I wonder what she is yet to achieve given the chance.
Sometimes I just want to scream that I am not the only one who can multitask or make decisions or do housework. Sometimes I want them to understand that there is only one of me and I am struggling to do it all, but then I feel guilty for not appreciating what I have and what some don't. But I still feel tears rolling down my cheeks as I write my to do list some nights and feel overwhelmed.
Sometimes in my saner moments I realise that parenting is a tough job and I am doing my best and the tough moments will pass. But in my tired and emotional moments I just want a break from it all, I want to find me again, I want to go to the toilet by myself or not class a weekly grocery trip as my day out. I want to see the stars at night as I travel to somewhere special, not as I make a dash to pick up milk and bread before the corner shop shuts.
I guess we all want to feel special and useful sometimes. Finding out how to make that happen is the tricky part of life though isn't it?
Sometimes I realise that turning 41 this weekend may be making me a little emotional and clouding my judgement somewhat! I should be embracing all that I have and the wonderful little family that I know loves me even if they don't always show it. But still I have a yearning to feel appreciated, to achieve more, to BE more…and then I feel guilty of course.
A new chapter in my life is about to begin and I am trying so hard to be excited about that, truly I am….but right now as the house is quiet for the first time today as they all sleep, all I can think about is the lunches that need to be made, the dishes that need to be done and the floor that needs to be swept…go figure huh!
I know I”m not alone on the parenting journey but thank you for letting me indulge in getting some of these thoughts out tonight and for being able to talk to someone other than myself at midnight! I do so appreciate you reading my ramblings!
Do you ever feel guilty when parenting?
Have a lovely weekend all…..I'm going to try and celebrate and appreciate all that I have achieved so far…..and then go have a wine or two 😉
Warm Wishes…
Jode, you are amazing. Your dedication to your family, to your little charges and to other Mamas is to be commended! There is something about twin Mamas that kicks in after the shock has settled. We seem to have a knack of squeezing as much as we can out of each day, but it is important to put you in there. Your needs. A bit of Jode magic! I wish I lived closer, I would love to pop by and have a cuppa with you on the steps or in the garden while we watched the kids play. We just might finish it too 😉
Thanks Amie…wise words my friend and I would so love you to be close by…imagine the play mornings we would have!!
Hmmmmmm, did I write this? Sounds like it. Thanks for voicing this, it makes me feel like I’m not alone. 🙂
That’s lovely of you to say Larissa…it’s nice when we can feel not so alone in this parenting journey isn’t it?
There are those beautiful moments when staying at home, bringing up your child is amazing, the sun shines and everything is right with the world…and there are those long, long hours of relentless cleaning, caring, giving that can pull every ounce of self out of you. In those hours you can feel very alone…its good to know that everyone feels like that sometimes; its just the sunshine moments make the rest of it easier to bear. Thanks for your honesty.
Thanks for your kind words Vickie…you are so right! And thank you for taking the time to read my words too.
Sneaking out from my usual lurker status to wish you a lovely birthday and a very special 41st year 🙂
thanks so much Jenni…how lovely to know a local is lurking close by 😉
Sounds so familiar. Last night, my son went to bed early, so while my husband watched Tv, I laid in bed and watched Netflix… Just because I needed that time. The house was still a mess later, but I felt just a little saner.
That’s what I am starting to do a bit to Sue…and I really wish we got netflix here! Sometimes we just need to put the mess below our sanity savers don’t we?
Ohh how I can relate to this. Thanks so much for sharing. Sharing the challenges helps everyone, I deeply believe.
Thanks Chelsea, I truly believe that too. x
It’s so funny that I read this today because I thought the exact same words.
I am regularly tired on Friday afternoons. Hubby gets home and I bomb. Tonight I said. ‘remember what Fridays used to be like. I’d clock off from work and have the weekend to myself to recharge.’
But there is no recharging as a mother, and it’s exhausting- at times more than others.
Happy birthday. I hope you have a great weekend. I hope that instead of riding these times that you can find a bit of. ‘me’ time.
You are so right Jackie…i often think about how Friday nights and the weekends used to be with a sense of nostalgia..the recharging part was so important. But as parents that is long gone so we have to try and take some small moments where we can i guess.
Sounds very familiar! The wanting to be more and then the guilt that follows and then the realisation that right now in my life I am doing exactly what I want to be doing and the time will come for other things. You are doing an absolutely amazing job!!
Thanks Emma, so kind of you…and you are right, the time will come i know!
You’re not alone. It’s like you plucked those thoughts right out of my head. It is the human condition to want more/different. We all just do the best that we can. I find sewing is the something that is just for me(even though I often make things for others). It really does keep me sane. Hugs
thanks for sharing your thoughts Amanda, you are right, we do the best we can…and it has been far too long since I have done some sewing!! xx
Don’t worry you are alone… It’s coming to the end of the year and we all get tired, Christmas looming, birthdays and perhaps periods coming around. I always find a week before I’ m due I’m tears emotional exhausted and have had enough. Just give yourself a little bit of leeway and if you don’t week the kitchen floor before yu go to bed the earth isn’t going to come to an end. It will still be there in the morning. I was so tired last night I had to leave the kitchen as it was once the dishes were in the dishwasher. I also think even setting aside an hr to just do something for you outside your blog so that it’s creative for you. Hang in there next year and a fresh start is around the corner. Regards Kathy A, Brisbane, Australia
after reading all these lovely comments I am definitely not feeling alone now. You are so right about trying to find that hour for me Kathy, it has become my goal for this month! Thank you for sharing and helping me to realise all these thoughts are actually normal!
Jode, that dark place is not uncharted. Part of is has to do with having kids over a longer time span (as I did). It’s just not the same chasing toddlers and preschoolers when you are 40 (and dealing with a teen) than when you are 25! Been there, done that. Total empathy.
I CAN tell you that while none of us is exactly the same, I must share that I felt that way EXACTLY and was doing very similar things (working late into the night) for quite a long time (years, it sometimes seems). It DID catch up to me and I was VERY sick for 6 months, unable to do much of anything during that time. Major life lesson, indeed. Because I didn’t listen to my body and my heart, I pushed too far and the choice was made for me (ill health).
I’m not trying to frighten you but I AM telling you that burn out is right around the corner if you don’t MAKE some time for you at a reasonable hour EVERY day. 2am is not going to work if you have children to tend to first thing AND daycare children coming. Putting yourself last is terribly unwise. Remember what they say on a n airplane? Put the oxygen mask on YOURSELF first, so that you can help your children. Same principle!
1) You are working now and can’t be expected to do all the same things you used to do as well. If you were working out of the home, your family would have to pitch in a bit. NO different here! Just because you’re working at home, that doesn’t mean that you aren’t working! Crazy logic 🙂
2) Every single person needs time alone to rest and think uninterrupted. That is not selfish that is essential for good health!
3) You might be setting an unrealistic example for your 3 daughters. Do you want them to run ragged in their adult years trying to do everything their Mama did and end up burned out and sick trying to live up to that? Show them balance and good physical and emotional health through your actions. Model a healthy balance in your life, shown with love for YOU and your family.
4) Communicate with your family. I was terrible at this! I never told them how I felt and kept it bottled up inside. NOBODY will know what you need until you tell them 🙂 Asking for a break in your day and support from your family is not greedy or selfish. If you worked outside the home, you’d get a lunch break and coffee breaks. You must tell your husband how you feel and that you need a break each day. Ask him to tackle the after supper hour while you take your break somewhere quiet and separate from the family.. Go for a walk if you can’t bear to hear the struggle (he will probably struggle a wee bit at first to figure it out on his own, but that’s ok).
5) Consider using your time wisely. Don’t turn to the screen because that is not a break for your mind. Read, craft (for yourself, not the girls!), nap, go for a walk, sit somewhere peaceful. Make your break a TRUE break. Dare to meditate. 🙂
6) Above all, love yourself tenderly. Be kind to yourself and always listen to the voice inside you. Honour it. REALLY listen to it! Act on it. TAKE the rest and relish in it. You NEED it.
In support,
Sherri
XO
Oh Sherri, how absolutely beautiful of you to take the time to write this comment. It has meant so much to me and you really do have some great advice and things to consider here. I think because I am working from home the family still thinks everything should proceed as it was before so i do need to work on my communication with them I think. You are right, burn out is imminent if I don’t start making a few changes and thnk you so much for reminding me to listen to my own voice xxx
But you are already so much more than a mum. You’re a writer and a photographer, a teacher and a child-carer, a small business woman and a crafter. SO MUCH MORE. And that’s before I even get started on wife, sister, aunt, etc etc. I always think we should look at the bigger picture! x
Thanks Bron…you just helped me to see things in a whole new light…I’m not sure why I couldn’t see any of those things you mentioned before. Sometimes it can be hard to open your own eyes can’t it? The bigger picture is my new mantra x
I was so pleased to read this, I feel like the most awful person for wanting to be more.
I do know I am more than ‘just a mother’ but sometimes it hard to see past that label when I feel like I’ve lost myself along the way. I find it especially difficult when friends describe me as ‘a-mum-of-three’ or something similar, is that all they see me as?!